Doom & Gloom

So. Radio silence for a week. Tuesday-Friday, I had some pretty positive days. I spoke with a nutritionist and former transplant nurse at LWC (Life w/ Cancer) about adjusting my diet to ensure I’m getting nutrients during treatment and beyond. I saw friends. I went to see Beth’s show, and wore a surgical mask in the crowd because I was as neutropenic (low neutrophil/WBC counts, thus no immune system) as an AIDS patient. I felt pretty darned tired, but also felt in control in a way, because my body was sick, which gave me hope that the cancer was dying. I felt no need to blog, because everything was progressing as should be expected. Some sadness. Some happiness. Some exhaustion. Chemo world.

Saturday, Dan & I went to the Tigers-Orioles game in Baltimore. I was really looking forward to this. Dan loves the Tigers like I love the Nats, and I spent days planning tickets, parking, how we could try to get autographs, what I’d wear to look like a Tigers fan… on and on. And I was having so much fun, and my brain was so distracted, for a few innings. And then all of a sudden, the fear snapped right back into place again. In the middle of doing something I love, that I had looked forward to for days, with one of my favorite people in the world beside me. And I couldn’t break out of it. The Tigers scored three backtobacktoback home runs, followed by a grand slam a few batters later, and it was still there. Simmering. Making me hate the crowd around me. I was sliding down into a depression, imagining that this would be one of the last times Dan & I could go out on an adventure. And what started this all? Checking the damned lumps.

They haven’t moved. It feels as though they haven’t budged, or melted, or shrunk a single inch. And I’m petrified that it’s all leading to the dark, scary place of ‘ICE didn’t work, nothing will work, I won’t be able to get my auto-SCT (stem cell transplant) and therefore I will die.’ Even if this is not the case precisely, I feel like I’m looking at ‘I’ll be on other drugs, maybe relapse after the auto-SCT, maybe try for an allo-SCT, but be bald and exhausted and miserable and grasping at straws for years until I finally do die because there’s nothing that’s worked .’

It’s a dark place. Having been to the light place, even if briefly of ‘I have a gift of an opportunity to stop and examine my life and go after my big goals while I have time and enjoy every minute of being alive’, it feels like a huge step backwards. And it’s a huge step backwards that I haven’t been able to shake. Not with board games, or Disney movies, or So You Think You Can Dance, or delicious food, or homemade cinnamon french toast, or creating art. And those are all things that I love, that make me happy. But inevitably, I’ve been able to get about an hour and a half max of mental distraction before thinking ‘Hm. You know what I haven’t thought about in a bit?’ and having it all rush back in like an emotional ocean that’s out to drown me.

I find myself trying desperately to fill up my days with things that might make me happy. Art. Walks. Baseball. Mom, Dan, and I are going to Chicago starting tomorrow night until Sunday so Mom & I can go to a business event and then Dan & I can play tourist. There are still adventures to be had, and I recognize that, but I’ve started becoming afraid of even the smallest tasks and outings, because I’ve been stuck in a mental path that seems to land me in a depression, regardless of how much joy I would normally derive from any particular activity.

Having typed all of that, I now feel much better because I got a call from a mentor found for me through Leukemia & Lymphoma Society (LLS)! She too was a Hodgkin’s patient who went through an auto-SCT, and she’s a year out. So we got to chat about doctors and support systems and such, and even jab each other a bit over the Nats-Braves rivalry (she’s from Atlanta). So that was a good call to get out of the blue and a good friend to have moving along the road.

Now, I will attempt, in my improved mental state, to go for a nice walk in the park with Sahm, and maybe find some boba beforehand to sip upon. The world has lots of beauty in it that I should continue to look for, even if I’m scared. And I should keep watching comedies, because trying to watch Mad Men alone at night is probably not contributing to my psyche. And I will continue to do things that make me feel as happy and productive as possible, like learning Spanish, and learning how to cook better and healthier foods.

There are lots more topics to be covered in this blog, but for the moment, I’ll leave it here. Hopeful that I’ve found a more permanent calm for the day and can keep the gloom away.

OH! EXCEPT! I’m instituting a new code that I’d appreciate people helping me with. It’s called Code Yellow. If I’m in a particularly sad place, I’d love to be able to text Code Yellow to some of you, or post it on Facebook, and have happy/funny/adorable/geeky/uplifting/interesting articles/videos/pictures/memes/etc sent my way. Would you guys be ok with that?